


Before you walk away

by Writelikethat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Dean, M/M, Protective Sam Winchester, Runners, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-03 10:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10964952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writelikethat/pseuds/Writelikethat
Summary: Running has the power to change one's life. Sam thinks so, Cas knows so and Dean learns it is so.





	1. Sadness comes and sadness goes

**Author's Note:**

> Feel like I have to add a disclaimer once in a while: I still don't own the characters of course, and nothing of this has anything to do with supernatural or the show. No profit made from this either. The idea and this story is mine.
> 
> I have also borrowed a few lines from 'Run' by Pink.

Above his head it felt like the ceiling was spinning. Moving almost like he was on a boat, rolling through waves. Nice and easy. He could pretend. Lying still on the deck of a boat, staring up into the vast darkness. Far, far away speckled with constellations of glimmering stars. 

“Dean?” A soft voice close by. 

He struggled to hold on to his pleasant daydream. If he didn’t answer then maybe, just maybe she would leave him alone. 

“You’re very far away again.” She said. 

He sighed inwardly. He knew there was no use, he had come there voluntary after all. Well, in theory.

“’M at sea.” He rasped. 

“Is that so?” She sounded tired and slightly amused. 

Dean hummed in response. 

“Some place special?” She asked after waiting for him to say something. Dean usually didn’t give her that satisfaction. Only when it was really bad or really good. 

“Why ‘s everythin’ got t’be special with you?” He said mouth feeling numb. He should probably have some water. He knew there was a large glass next to him. It would require moving so he couldn’t be bothered.

“You know this, Dean. Everything has some kind of significance either we see it or not.” 

He wanted to roll his eyes and come with a sarcastic comment, but the waves had started to move faster now and it was a little unsettling. 

“Your ceiling keeps moving.” He told her after feeling her eyes on him for too long. 

“Yeah? I hadn’t noticed.” She sounded distracted. 

“At least it isn’t on fire. That’s something, I guess.” 

***

Someone moved around his room and Dean sat up in bed so fast he felt like his face was still on the pillow, struggling to keep up. 

“What the fuck, Sam?”

Curtains were drawn from the windows letting in the bright morning. 

“Get your lazy ass into a pair of sweatpants and tie your shoes. We’re going running.”

His smile was too bright, Dean felt a sting of guilt at the look of concern in his brother’s eyes. 

“I’m not even out of bed and you think I’ll be able to run?”

Sam regarded him with a stern look. 

“If you’re not outside in ten minutes I’ll be back and you know it won’t be nice.” He threatened and Dean groaned as he fell back onto his pillow. His curiosity won out at last so he emerged from his bedroom with a minute to spare. Sam looked like he was about to burst with energy. 

Dean pulled a hoodie over his head and shuffled towards the door, getting the inevitable over with. 

For the first two miles nobody said a word. Dean struggled with breathing, feeling like he was dying while trying to stay on his feet. Sam practically skipped next to him, going half the speed he was used to, but wouldn’t complain at all. 

Dean was determined not to be the first to break the silence. He was the one who had been dragged out of bed at an ungodly hour, forced to dress in a hurry and go for a run, without breakfast! He would be damned if he spoke first. 

As a cheery voice from Sam’s too fancy watch announced they had run for two and a half mile Sam let out a long breath suggesting they take a break. Dean huffed, but ran over to a park bench and sat down breathing hard. 

“Why do I let you talk me into this? It’s ridiculous!” Dean panted. 

“Because you know you can’t get out of it.” Sam said. 

“I talked to Missouri yesterday.” Sam continued and Dean shook his head. 

“She ought to lose her job the way she repeatedly breaks the patient’s confidentiality.” 

Sam stared ahead for a moment. 

“You showed up to the appointment drunk, again.”

“Yeah, well, what can I say? She is on my back about honoring our appointments. Not my fault I happen to be drunk from time to time when those come around.” He said stubbornly. 

“Not your fault?” Sam asked. 

Dean shrugged. He knew this conversation. It definitely wasn’t the first time and probably wouldn’t be the last. 

“I don’t understand this, Dean. You work hard for a while, and I honestly thought it was about to get better. Then Missouri calls and informs me that I’ve been living with the head up my ass!”

“You sound upset. Did she really say that?”

Sam glared at him and took several deep breaths. 

“No she didn’t. And of course I’m upset. You’re not even trying anymore!”

It seemed Sam was on a roll today. Probably hadn’t been sleeping at all, only drinking coffee until he deemed the time suitable to go and torture his brother. Sam had gotten up on his feet and started pacing back and forth in front of Dean. Deep down he felt bad about making his brother this distressed. He just didn't know how not to. 

“I want to help you, Dean. She said you didn’t look good at all, and that it was the third time in two weeks you’d showed up like that.” 

Dean pushed a hand through his hair feigning indifference. Sam stopped talking as they waited for other runners to move past them. 

“You never talk about stuff to me.”

“Well, that’s why I’m forced to meet with Missouri every week.” Dean said sullenly. 

“If you keep it up she might not want to anymore. It has to stop some time. If I thought it would help I’d move in with you for a while.”

Dean’s head whipped up and he stared horrified at his brother. 

“Absolutely not!” He insisted. 

“I know. And I wouldn’t do that to Jess. But… um… we can’t keep doing this. Dean, we… if you don’t get your shit together Jess and me would not be comfortable to have you around the kids.”

The words seemed to slam into his head and rattle around again and again. He had no idea how to respond. A part of him shrugged and immediately filled that lost time with other stuff. A different part, probably the part that was still the old Dean, were screaming. Screaming at him that this wasn’t real. His brother couldn’t tell him he didn’t want him around, not his own brother, surely!

There was absolutely no way he could respond at all it turned out. He stared at his brother with what he hoped was a look of anger, but which probably looked much more like someone about to cry. But he was not crying!

“Dean… I… I don’t want to. After last time Mary asked why you didn’t want to read her a book and fell asleep instead.”

Dean winced at the name and those words. He knew Sam was right, though. 

“Let’s keep running.” He said when he had searched without results for something to say. 

Sam let out a long controlled breath, but followed Dean without another word. 

*** 

It happened again. The same routine. Dean showing up to Missouri while intoxicated then Sam barging into his home the next day. 

Sam was angrier this time. He kicked empty bottles of beer, made them fly through the air, and he didn’t even go out of the room while Dean got dressed. He simply stood there fuming.

He ran faster than last time and didn’t stop for a break or a talk. When they came back to Dean’s place, Sam had a bottle of water, stretched, then he took off. Dean was left feeling bad, but he made himself forget about it. He hadn’t asked Sam to come over to his place and force a run on him.

Then two days later Sam was there again, nagging until Dean had his clothes on, then they ran side by side without a word until they were back. 

Dean let him. He could keep up at least a little bit. He could thank his father that both of them had been used to a regular morning run. Sam was the only one who had stuck to it, though.

Sam was there every other day, making him run. He had absolutely no regards for what kind of shape he found Dean in. He had his brother out of the bed and on a run that lasted nothing less than half an hour. It all depended on how bad Dean was feeling, which was the only thing letting on that Sam actually considered the shape he was in. 

After three weeks where Sam had a constant frown as he found his brother in bad conditions more often than not he called one morning saying he couldn’t make it because one of the kids were sick. Dean wasn’t sure why his brother thought they had some kind of standing appointment, and he quickly hid the sting of disappointment.

“Thank god. I’m going back to sleep.” 

Dean pretended he didn’t hear his brother’s protests and hung up. 

He didn’t go to sleep though. He had started to get used to their morning ritual. Sam had started to talk more. He would tell Dean about his kids, or his job. They ran longer and Dean actually didn’t feel like dying after ten minutes. 

So he went on a run. Alone. Sober. 

Then he woke up the next morning feeling good, and decided to go for a run again. 

He didn’t tell his brother about it. Sam still came by every other day, but Dean ran every day. He ran for over an hour and suddenly, without realizing it had become a habit.

It didn’t mean the old one was totally forgotten. He could still wake up on the couch or in some stranger’s place not remembering a thing of the night before, but he ran. 

He ran no matter how bad he was feeling and even Sam started to look a little impressed even if he didn’t know about Dean’s newfound runners high.

***

“So, I’ve signed us up for a five mile run.”

“You’ve done what?” Dean gaped. 

“A race. It’s in three weeks and it’s in town so don’t worry.”

“Don’t worry? You force me to run before normal people even make it out of bed and now you’ve signed me up for a race without even asking?”

“It seemed like you liked it.” Sam said defensively. 

“Well, you should have asked!”

In truth his heart were beating excitedly and he wanted to ask thousand questions about this race. Instead he asked what it was called, huffed about how his brother could do that and then he left for work. 

Work, which he hadn’t missed in over a month. They were starting to rely on him again. Tentatively of course, but they did. Dean wasn’t ready to say he felt better, because he definitely didn’t all the time, but something had changed, and he couldn’t help but think that maybe his new habit played a part in that.

His job was simple and hard. He spent entire days beneath the hood of various cars, and he had the ability to keep to it no matter how bad his head hurt. The only reason he hadn’t lost his job ages ago was Bobby. The owner, and a friend. Dean got a piece of his mind on a regular basis, but he still had a job. 

***

Missouri had that twinkle in her eyes and she looked much more optimistic these days. 

“How are you doing, Dean?” She made a show of sounding so pleased he almost felt like rolling his eyes. He’d never dare in front of her.

“I’m fine. I always am.” He answered like he always did. 

“Tell me about this past month.” She insisted. Dean knew she wanted to hear in his own words that he had been running with his brother. The traitor of a brother with a degree in law enforcement and the confidentiality-breaking psychologist had to get along well. 

“It’s been good. You already know about my regular date with my brother.” He gave her a pointed look, she didn’t even blink. 

“I’ve been to work and I didn’t count the number of beers for the last week. I did go home with a couple of girls this month, and I kept awake for all of the fun, so that’s something, right?”

Dean liked to add those small details to make Missouri frown just a little bit. He knew she’d probably heard everything, but she still didn’t like it when he talked about his conquests as she liked to call it. 

“I am glad you are doing fine in every aspect of your life, Dean.” She answered dryly. 

Then the room went quiet. Missouri glanced out the window, looking like she enjoyed the silence and she probably did. She knew it would break Dean eventually. He would feel the annoying need to talk. He pressed his lips closed for as long as he could manage. 

“Fine, I’ll tell you. Sam signed us up for a race and I’m beyond nervous!” It came out in a rush. 

“Why are you nervous?” Missouri watched him. Her eyes soft and caring, if it weren’t for the circumstances Dean would probably have liked her quite a bit. She always felt so nice and he was willing to bet she was an amazing mother and grandmother. 

“Because! I just am. There’s loads of people and I don’t know. I just feel uneasy, okay?” He huffed and let his head fall hard against his chair and closed his eyes. 

Missouri hummed but stayed quiet for a while. 

“I think you’ll be doing fine Dean. You are used to running with Sam, and you do meet other people while you’re out running, right?”

Dean opened one eye and gave her a dubious look. 

“Thank you for that, ma’am, but there is a lot of uncertainty out there, and you know how I handle those.” 

What if Sam didn’t feel like hanging back with Dean and decided to run like he meant it? What if he found himself in the middle of a group running together, unable to see anything other than people for miles? Dean bit his lip, torn between excitement and nausea.


	2. I can't hide you from it all

Wind brushed against his face and the soft morning light signaled the sunrise. His feet pounded against the road in a steady rhythm. He could run for days. In front of him were soft green pastures and apart from cows nibbling at the grass there was no one else awake. Cas preferred that. He liked the first hour of the day where everything seemed to stand still, and he was alone in the world. 

His life was so full of people and task after task he had to solve. His phone would start ringing by the time he finished his shower and this early run along a deserted road just outside the city. That was the one thing keeping him awake for a busy schedule. 

Once he was home, showered and pouring a smoothie with kale and cucumber his phone buzzed. Cas clicked his earpiece and smiled at the sound of a stressed secretary. 

“Relax Hannah, I’m on my way. I’ll be there in ten minutes.” He promised and hung up.

By the time he made it to work, nine minutes later, his phone had called twice and he was still talking with one of them. He thanked Hannah for the coffee she had ready and sat down in his chair facing the window. Just like every day. 

***

Arranging a race was starting to be routine for Cas. He worked with a sports magazine, but he wasn’t out there doing interviews or snapping photos. He was in the back, arranging races or events, calling in personal trainers or nutritionists to come to these gathering to pull people. He was good at it and he liked to feel busy. 

Being busy had only benefits in his opinion. His mind felt organized, his days went by really fast, he was almost always surrounded by people and most of all, he managed to stay away from his sisters constant nagging about why he didn’t settle down. Well, most of the time. 

Anna had a family now, she had married, gotten three kids and were just so sickeningly happy! It was good for her, she definitely deserved it, but now she was practically on a mission to make Cas get the same. She didn’t realize that his work made him happy. He didn’t need a family of five to make his life complete. Besides, if he did he could always visit her. Anna didn’t find that comforting at all. 

*** 

Cas had worked hard on this race in the city. He had tracked down several famous runners and quite a few of them had agreed to show up. It was an annual thing, so in that department most of the people around the arrangement knew how things worked. There was rarely any problem setting up the trail, clear an arena to place stables with sponsors. The practical stuff was easy, as long as Cas made it all line up in such a way it worked with every other event or use of the arena or the roads surrounding it. 

It wasn’t a problem. He knew how it worked and he could easily call the right people to get what was needed. That’s why he liked his job. It made sense. He had a lot to do, but he knew how to do it and he knew how to do it well. 

 

As the day of the race began Cas was up early as usual, but he skipped his morning run. After a breakfast of a black coffee, he headed into the stadium where the race would start. He went through everything with Hannah and the crew, making sure everything was ready. Slowly the place started to fill with people and Cas could feel this would be a success just as before. 

Cas walked amongst the people, stopped here and there chatting back and forth with familiar faces. Anna showed up every year with a new ‘friend’ that she wanted to introduce. Cas knew it was all about finding someone for him and he really wished she wouldn’t. This year it was a blonde girl, way too skinny for his tastes and a slightly frazzled look to her. Cas smiled politely and talked to them for a while. 

“I’m sorry, but I have to keep moving. Have a great run!” He smiled. 

“Thank you. Meet us after?” Anna asked with a pointed look. Cas just nodded as he walked away. 

Just as he entered the area where people signed in and got their number Cas walked into Sam. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” He said. 

“No problem, man.” Sam grinned and continued fastening the number on the back of someone’s shirt. 

“Good to see you’re back.” He said. 

“Yeah, can’t miss this one. You know I love to run around this town.” Sam chuckled. Cas nodded and felt his spirit lifting. He always felt like that around Sam. He was such a bright and happy guy. The man who was with him turned around and glared at Cas. Cas suddenly felt the urge to apologize for taking up their time, but Sam shook the guy’s shoulder. 

“Dean, this is Cas. He’s the one arranging this race. Cas, this is my brother Dean.” He introduced them. 

Cas automatically reached out a hand to shake and felt incredible awkward since Dean just stared at it like it was an insult. 

“Whatever. Let’s get this over with.” He muttered and turned to leave.

Sam pursed his lips and seemed torn between them. He cleared his voice. 

“I’m sorry about him. It’s his first one and I think he’s probably a bit nervous.” He excused and Cas shook his head. 

“Don’t think about it. It was nice seeing you again.” He headed for one of the stalls. 

*** 

Cas was NOT thinking about it. Why would he? He met plenty of people at these arrangements, plenty of people who found it reasonable to be rude to him. There was no reason why he should feel unsettled because this Dean guy didn’t want to talk to him or even look at him with anything other than disdain in his eyes. 

Instead he decided to focus on his task. He needed to be at the main stage, making sure everything and everyone was ready. The opening words would be in just a couple of minutes and the over-enthusiastic fitness coach were already jumping next to the stage. Cas sighed, he never really understood why this woman had become so popular. She had a fake, too-bright grin, she were always screaming instead of talking like a normal person and she only ever ate yoghurt and almonds. 

He walked over to her and she smiled. 

“Oh, hi Cas. Everything alright?”

“Yes. Are you ready?” He asked and she nodded and slapped him on his back with a grin. 

He had to admit, she was a firework of energy and he admired her for that. Most of the time though, that energy was also the source of his annoyance. 

He watched her enter the stage with ease, her voice roared over the stadium and people cheered at the mere sight of her. Cas smiled, she definitely was a hit. It was a good thing he’d booked her for the entire season. She was on a book tour, and he’d managed to make a deal with her publisher so that her tour would coincide with the different races he were arranging around the country. 

*** 

Dean ran on autopilot. His legs were tired and the only thing that made him keep going was the fact that his brother opted to stay by his side for the entire run. Sam would have been able to outrun a lot of these idiots who thought they were all kinds of healthy and fit. Instead he stayed close to Dean, so even if he would admit to it, it was probably what kept him running the entire race. 

Back at the stadium people milled around, hyped up on a successful race where most of them had reached some kind of runners high. It felt ridiculous. Everyone strutting around, gnawing on bananas or crunching into dripping apples. All Dean could think about was the icy beers in his car. 

For a while he let Sam pull him around the place, they talked to people his brother knew. Dean chose to stand in the background most of the time, speaking only when spoken directly to. After a while he shook his head, telling Sam he wanted to head home. 

“What? They haven’t even announced the winner yet!”

“Yeah, well, it ain’t me, so…” Dean rolled his eyes. Sam bit his lip, looking like he wanted to protest. His brother was good at reading Dean, though, so he probably sensed that he shouldn’t push too hard. 

“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon then. We did good, right?” He grinned and for a moment he looked so much like his younger self. A carefree Sam who didn’t have the responsibilities of a family man with a drunk for a brother. 

“Yeah, we did.” He smiled. 

Back at his car he was barely out on the road before the first beer was empty. God, he hated the ache whenever Sam was so happy about something Dean did. It made him feel good, like he deserved his brother’s joy. It was just too bad he didn’t have a chance to keep it like that. 

*** 

Dean woke up the next morning in a strange bed, tangled in long limbs and his face full of blonde hair. When he moved to get up, arms tightened around him and he groaned. Had he ended up with a clingy one, again? 

He definitely had. When he an hour later hadn’t been able to get out of her place and instead found himself by her kitchen table staring at a plate full of fruit and berries he cursed his drunk self. She asked what he wanted to drink and when he told her he wanted a beer she giggled and handed him a glass of orange juice. 

“I think we drank quite enough last night.” She said brightly. 

Dean never understood how someone was able to act like this the morning after with a complete stranger. He was much more comfortable with those who let him slip out of their bed and leave without a sound. 

Food was food though, and even if he had preferred pancakes or even a burger he wasn’t going to complain. 

 

Getting home was even better. He slept for a few hours, talked to Sam on the phone to let him know he was doing fine and wasn’t drinking, then he tentatively tied his shoes and went on a run. He ran slowly and carefully, aware of the race the day before, but unable to get out of the habit. 

Sam kept coming by every other day. He seemed satisfied with the fact that he found his brother sober more often than not. It made something destructive inside Dean want to go on a binge, and he did. It was impossible to say why he did, but every time Sam looked at Dean with that fond, proud look in his face, Dean felt sick inside. Because it wasn’t right. His brother had no reason to be proud of him for anything at all. 

One Sunday morning when Sam locked himself into his place, he found Dean lying on the living room floor and a girl sleeping on his couch. His brother brusquely threw a blanket at the girl, barking at her to cover up and glared daggers at Dean as he struggled up of the floor. 

In no time he was ushered into the shower like a kid and the girl was thrown out. Dean didn’t even know her name so he wasn’t really sad to see her go. Sam made camp in his living room and lectured him for about twenty minutes on how bad this was and how mad he felt because he thought everything were better. 

“I’m done, Dean. I tried. I tried really damn hard, but I don’t think I can keep this up for much longer.”

That’s how Dean found himself lying in that soft chair again, staring at the ceiling, listening to the breathing of that woman who waited for him to speak. 

*** 

Cas had his weeks lined up. Every arrangement he put together went according to plan and as the season really picked up he could relax and try to enjoy it as much as possible. 

He tried to deny it, but for every week and new event that came and went, that fitness coach seemed to be everywhere. Her short perfect hair swishing around her cute little face, as the fake smile grew more earnest and her voice became softer for every week. 

When he escorted her to the scene of the week she would chat with him, asking about his life, letting him in on small glimpses of hers. She wasn’t as all that tiny woman who lived off yoghurt and almonds. She enjoyed cooking and had a little dog named ‘Kitten’, Cas was officially a little bit charmed. 

Cas didn’t make an effort to charm her back, though. He meant it when he told his sister he wasn’t looking for anything serious. And it also made him a little bit unsettled, the fact that he felt attracted to a woman. He usually wasn’t. 

Surprisingly, Mindy was a fireball of sound and movement in front of the masses, yet she didn’t do anything other than talking softly to Cas. There was the occasional touch to his hand or his shoulder, other than that, things appeared like they were friends now. And Cas liked that. He didn’t mind being friends. It felt safer and less intrusive. 

*** 

At the beginning of July Cas noticed a familiar face. Well, he saw a lot of familiar faces in his line of work. This one, though he hadn’t seen since the first race and he smiled as he walked over to the tall man with his hair in a bun. Next to him were a blonde woman and two happy children. 

“Hi, Sam.” He greeted and the children immediately stopped what they were doing. 

“Cas! How are you?”

“I’m fine, thank you. How about you?” 

“Well, I’m ready for a challenge.” He admitted. Cas gave a smile. This race had multiple obstacles such as rivers to cross, trees to climb under and a few places with rope to get past.

“Are you running alone?” 

For a second there was a flicker of sadness in his face before his bright smile were back. 

“I am. Jess has to look after the kids, you know.” He added and there was no mention of the brother. 

 

Just a few weeks after that Cas was surprised to see said brother at the start. He was skinnier than last, his pretty face, pale and serious in concentration. Cas debated going over to ask for Sam, but he knew he’d have seen him by now if he were around so he watched from a distance. 

Cas wondered why this man was so distracting. His face looked tired and hollow, and even with all of the people around made conversation, forming new bonds, he just stood there, waiting for the race to begin. It was easy to say something troubled the guy, and Cas who usually stood well away from other people’s problems found himself a little bit curious. 

Once he was running it was clear Dean was in good shape and he quickly found a pace that suited him. Whenever he passed someone he slipped past as if he didn’t want to be noticed and continued his lonesome run with his head bowed. 

*** 

This kept going on for a while. Sam showed up one week, looking fresh and a little sad. Then the next his brother was there, brooding, a little bit skinnier and kept running by more and more people. 

Cas didn’t mean to say anything about it. When Sam came up to him after one of the races sipping cola with a relaxed smile on his face he let it slip somehow.

“It seems like you and your brother keep showing up just after the other.” He said. 

Sam stared a little surprised for a moment. 

“What? I think you’re mistaking.” He said after a while. 

“Oh? Well, I thought I noticed your brother last week, running like a winner.” Cas smiled. 

“Are you talking about Dean?”

Cas told him he was pretty sure about it. Before they could talk further Cas had to get back to the scene to get the opening of the race started.


	3. Take the best of what I've got

Dean hadn’t seen or heard from his brother in almost two months. That was very unusual for them. He knew he’d probably disappointed him deeply and that he should be the one apologizing. Dean wasn’t sure he was ready for that yet. It was his choice if he wanted to drink one night. His brother shouldn’t be so worked up about it. Nobody asked him to do anything about it. 

That’s why Dean stopped short in surprise when he one morning ran the last few steps towards his door. On the stairs was his brother, sitting with his feet pulled up, a frown in his forehead and a tiny little smile. 

“Good morning.” He said. Dean tentatively reached for the offered bottle of water and a banana. 

“What are you doing here?” Dean asked. 

“I heard some talking that you were running. Had to come see for myself.” 

“Yeah, well. It relives stress, you know. Did you speak with Missouri again?” Dean glared at his brother. 

“No, actually it was Cas, the guy who works at those races.”

Dean huffed. He barely remembered the idiot, why did he have to go around talking to his brother about him?

“Now that you’ve seen for yourself, can I have my shower?” 

Sam nodded and got up slowly. 

“Hey, Dean. Uh… I’m sorry for last time. It’s just… It’s hard you know, watching… this.” Sam sighed. He stepped aside and told Dean to go take his shower. 

***

Dean looked around for that dark haired guy at the next run. Sam was there too and they’d agreed to meet up. Right now, Dean was still annoyed from yesterday’s chat with Missouri. He couldn’t stand her smug looking face. Even if he could spot her smile and pride underneath it, she had to look like that when things started to go better. 

Dean hadn’t been drinking for two weeks and he actually felt better in a long long time. He hadn’t told his brother, but ever since he saw him sitting there on the stairs Dean hadn’t had a drink. Maybe it was the fact that his brother looked uncertain if it was the right choice coming there at all. Or it could be the way he’d called a few days later asking if they could sign up for the next run together. 

“Are you Cas?” He tapped his shoulder lightly. When he turned around Dean stared into blue eyes like he’d never seen before and ruffled hair made in movies, or in bed. 

“Yes?”

“Well I would appreciate it if you didn’t go around talking about me without my knowledge.” Dean told him annoyed. The tiny fitness coach with the shrill voice held a hand around Cas’ wrist. Close ‘friendship’ between them it seemed. Dean wanted to roll his eyes. 

“Excuse me?” He seemed genuinely confused and Dean sighed. 

“You told my brother on me. I don’t know why, you don’t even know me!”

Cas cleared his voice and had the decency to look ashamed. 

“I’m sorry. I was simply talking to your brother and it sort of came up.”

Dean shook his head. “Well, I’ll appreciate it if you just keep stuff like that to yourself in the future. Now I have to run alongside my brother who has got the longest legs!”  
Cas’ lips twitched attractively but Dean wouldn’t let himself get persuaded. 

“Okay, Dean. I will try to remember in the future.”

Dean huffed a thank you and turned around to leave. 

*** 

Cas found himself spending time with Mindy more and more. After each race she found a way to join him at whatever he was doing. Sometimes he were going out to eat with the rest of the crew and she tagged along. Other times he just wanted to head home and she promised him delicious food so he didn’t find a good enough excuse to say no. 

“Why haven’t you told me you’ve got a girlfriend?” Anna asked one night he came visiting. 

“I don’t, that’s why.” He said. 

Anna shook her head with an exasperated look. 

“Of course not. Then explain this. What are you doing with that sweet woman who’s become a part of your shadow?”

Cas felt his face heat up. 

“It’s nothing serious.” He tried. 

Anna gave him such a fond smile. Almost like saying he was all kinds of naïve. And maybe he was, but what he had with Mindy had yet to move past some light flirting. 

“Just… Cas, please tell her if you don’t intend to be with her. The way she looks at you, it practically screams heartbreak.” Anna told him in a soft voice. 

***

It was impossible to stop thinking about it once the thought was planted. Cas felt like an idiot, because it was obvious that Mindy waited for him to make the next move. She made an effort to be around him, but was careful with the rest. Cas wanted to tell her something, he just didn’t know what. He wondered why she was so shy about this when she screamed at the top of her lunges in front of thousands of peoples on a weekly basis. 

Being with Mindy tended to make him feel good. He caught himself waiting for her at the end of a race. They made dinner together and relaxed in the evenings with movies and the healthy snack of the week. 

“You did great today.” Cas told her. 

“Do you think so?” She gave a little smile. 

“Absolutely. I have no idea how you do it.”

Mindy giggled at the compliment. Cas had his arm thrown over her shoulders and she relaxed against his body. When she turned her eyes up to meet his eyes Cas slowly bent down and kissed her. It was a sweet kiss, their lips brushing tentatively. He pulled her closer and with a sigh her lips parted to let him in. 

The kiss wasn’t rushed. Both of them took the time exploring and taking it all in. When they parted Mindy’s cheeks were pink and she smiled brightly up at Cas. He swallowed. 

*** 

Cas stressed about it for the next couple of weeks. Thankfully Mindy wasn’t the type who wanted to rush into anything. When she had to go to some kind of meet-up with a couple of other couches Cas breathed deeply, telling himself he needed to figure out some stuff until she got back. 

His job took a lot. He was rarely at home before seven in the evenings and he was happy about the distraction. The season was almost over. He had only two more races to arrange before the end and then he’d be going on a vacation. 

As the last run came around Cas was tired and happily exhausted. It was a night run and the crowd was enormous. A band was playing onstage, everyone seemed to be extra hyped up on the fact that it was in the dark and Cas knew from experience that both the run and the party afterwards would be great. 

Everything was put up on a beach and people had been there the whole day, eating, walking through the shops, trying out new brands of protein-this and that, or getting their shoes fitted. All in all, it was time to get it on the road. 

Cas had walked around most of the day talking to friends and people he’d gotten to know through his work. There were lots of different magazines wanting to take pictures of make a review of the last event of the season. 

Sam had arrived with his wife and children, and Dean showed up a while later. He looked better than ever. His hair was a little messy and he’d put on a band around his head to keep the sweat away. He wore one of those shirts made for the occasion. It was black with luminescent trails of stars from the shoulder and across the chest. He smiled as he lifted one of Sam’s children up over his head and Cas wondered absently why he didn’t have any children of his own. 

Then he wondered why the hell he spent so much time staring at a stranger, thinking all kinds of stuff he couldn’t control. Cas made himself focus. The last run of the season, and he was going to join in.

*** 

Dean felt good. He hadn’t been drinking for a month, his brother was in his life for more than just a morning run and he was allowed to spend time with Sam’s kids. He felt in good shape and even if he still found himself lying in Missouri’s chair from time to time he figured it was good after all. 

Running in the dark wasn’t unusual for Dean, but this was really cool. All around them torches were placed and threw a flickering lighting over the road they were following. Those standing around cheering them on had glow-sticks and shirts similar to his. All kinds of prints that glinted in the dark. 

One of the really great benefits of attending so many races through the summer, meant they were in great shape. Dean didn’t feel tired after his run and both he and Sam decided to stay for some burgers and a bit of fun. 

Dean suspected Sam wanted to stay to make sure Dean didn’t forget about his sobriety. It was just natural for Dean to have a beer. The problem was that usually one beer led to too many more. He’d decided in the privacy of his own mind that he would give it a try – the staying sober thing. This far he’d done good. He got a soda instead, ate his burger and could feel himself being dragged into the good spirit. 

Music was playing loud people were dancing, or sitting around in the sand. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he’d been to a party he actually enjoyed. 

His usual scene were a club or a bar with one or two things on his mind; get drunk, find someone willing to go home with him. He never went somewhere to have a good time. This felt almost new to him and when he on top of that realized it wasn’t necessary being drunk to be able to enjoy it he found himself smiling. 

A while later he found his brother somewhere dancing. 

“What the hell are you doing?” He shouted over the music. 

“Dancing, Dean. You should try it.” Sam replied enthusiastically. 

“Where’s your wife?”

Dean eyed a few interested girls swaying along close by. Sam flushed but let out a sigh. 

“She had to head home with the kids.”

“Yeah, well then maybe you should too.” Dean squeezed his shoulder. 

“But…” 

“I’m fine. I haven’t had anything other than orange juice and some soda. Promise. You can even come check on me tomorrow morning if you’ll feel better.”

Sam bit his lip looking a bit uncertain. 

“Sam. I’m not going to ruin your great time here, but just… don’t stay because of me. You know you can’t prevent much anyway if things turn south.” Dean told him a little harsh. 

“Sorry, Dean. I’ll go now, and we can talk tomorrow. Okay?”

Dean nodded. He wasn’t going to be affected by the fact that his brother didn’t seem to trust him. It wasn’t like had earned that trust anyway. Things like this took a little longer to build up than a month. But he was working on it now, so he hoped it would be better. 

***

Cas had been so stressed for the last couple of weeks. Arranging the last run and event of the season was one thing. When he on top of that found himself in a relationship he had no hope of explaining, then it was just chaos. 

Mindy was really great and spending time with her was easy. Things just turned out a bit differently from what he thought they would. 

Now that the last night of races were upon them Cas was busy trying to pull the correct strings to make it perfect. Mindy had been there for the start, but then she had to leave due to an early start to next day. Cas felt guilty about being relieved she wasn’t there. 

He didn’t know why. He just knew he had to think some stuff through. 

As the night progressed Cas felt better. He had a blast through the tracks and was really happy about deciding to run. Then at Hannah’s insistence he joined in on the party afterwards too. 

“After all, if someone deserves a drink after the season, it’s you, honey.” She said. 

She was probably right, so Cas told himself this night was about having fun. Not mulling over his pathetic problems. Because who complained about a relationship with a sweet and attentive girl like Mindy? 

Just being Cas and not Castiel the organizer for one night felt great. He talked to friends, had some drinks and eventually danced barefoot in the sand. Cas wasn’t someone who usually had anything to drink. He’d never understood the appeal. Sure, a glass of wine alongside a nice dinner was good. Drinking for the sake of drinking, that he never really got the hang of. 

Some of his friends growing up thought he was so strange, but Cas found he could have fun at parties without having to be drunk. The added benefit was that he didn’t feel like crap the next morning either. So even if drinking could be fun at times he wasn’t very good at it. 

A few drinks in and Cas definitely wasn’t the office-man. He danced around the beach, sang along to the music even if he didn’t recognize it and yeah, he was feeling invincible. 

Until he bumped into his favorite grumpy face. 

“Dean!” He yelled. 

“Cas. I see you are enjoying yourself.”

“Very much so. This is a great party!” He enthused. Dean raised an eyebrow. 

“Well, you’ve been arranging it so I guess you should be happy it’s a hit then.” He offered. 

Cas shook his head. 

“Aren’t you having a good time?” He was confused. Why didn’t everyone feel like they were having the night of their life?

“Sure, yeah I do. Especially now that I get to watch you make a fool of yourself.”

“I’m not!” Cas gasped offended. Dean simply laughed at him and folded his arms across his chest. 

“Where is your shirt?”

“My shirt?” Cas glanced down at his admittedly naked chest. Well, this was awkward. 

“It’s hot out.” He tried. The glint in Dean’s eyes were mesmerizing even if it seemed to be there because he was laughing at him.

“Sure it is.” 

Cas nodded gravely and glanced down again to make sure he at least wore his jeans. Dean chuckled and Cas’ head whipped up so fast he lost his balance. Dean reached out automatically it seemed, and supported Cas until he was sure he could stand by himself again. 

“Do you think maybe it’s time to call it a night?” Dean asked quietly. Cas noticed how he didn’t seem at all like he’d been drinking. He was pleasantly sweaty so he must have been dancing, though. 

“I don’t know. Are you offering me a place to stay?” Cas asked boldly. It was a reason he didn’t drink often. He was so unaccustomed to it that he acted even worse than if he knew how to handle it. Cas raised his hands to cover his face when he heard Dean’s soft laugh close by.


	4. I got scars you won't believe

Dean woke up with a post- race heaviness in his body. He stretched and sighed content before realizing that part of that heaviness, wasn’t because of sore muscles. He was actually weighed down by an arm, and a body snuggling close to his side. 

Careful, like he was afraid of waking the dragon Dean put his head back on the pillow and let out a long breath. 

How did this happen to him? He hadn’t even been drinking last night and here he was, sharing a bed, his bed even with a guy. Dean knew that the only thing that happened last night had been some making out, some light touching and undressing. At least Cas had undressed. He’d been quite eager too. 

He stared up into the ceiling and fought to get his breathing under control. Cas had been really drunk last night, and he’d flirted and teased Dean, so when he decided to leave he allowed Cas to come with him. Partly because he didn’t want to leave him there in his state, and partly because he wasn’t exactly unaffected by his advances. 

“Mmh.” 

Cas was moving. His hips. Dean swallowed and tried not to move. Certain parts of him insisted on moving, but he couldn’t do anything about that. It felt like he was asleep still, and his slow grind against Dean’s thigh made it obvious his erection was lengthening and hardening. 

Dean wanted to touch, then he also felt like jumping out of the bed. 

The thing was, Dean had never slept with a guy unless he was really drunk. That was the only time he could admit to his ‘tendencies’ as his father liked to call it. And since he always was drunk, he never really got beyond a sloppy blowjob here and a hand job there. He had vague memories of a guy using his fingers on him too, but it was buried so deep he wasn’t sure it actually happened. 

Suddenly Cas stopped and pulled his hips away. 

“Um…” 

Dean could use Cas’ embarrassment to his advantage and turned to look at him with a smirk. 

“You enjoying yourself?” He asked. 

He probably shouldn’t have turned to look at him. Cas’ hair was messy, dark ruffled hair on his white pillow. His eyes dark with arousal and at the same time so, so blue. His face was flushed, and man did he look edible. 

“I was, quite a bit actually.” He rasped and Dean hurriedly turned to stare at something else. 

***

Cas watched Dean. He might come across as someone confident and strong. Here, though, this close and with nowhere to go he seemed a little different. 

Maybe he was still a bit drunk, or maybe he was bold because he actually was sharing a bed with a guy so attractive Cas wanted to swoon. But he slowly, slowly let his hand trail down his chest, softly over his stomach and tickling across hip bones before finding its way to a bulge covered by thin boxer fabric. 

“Seems like I wasn’t the only one.” He whispered. Dean let out a shaky breath but didn’t say anything else. 

“We already spent the night together. You shouldn’t be embarrassed.”

“I’m not.” Dean insisted. Whispering.

“Okay, good. Because I want you to fuck me.” Cas whispered in his ear. Dean trembled again and Cas had no idea where his brashness came from. Sure, he’d never been afraid of asking for what he wanted in bed, but this was different. He had already slept the entire night with this man and it seemed like Dean didn’t really intend to invite him to stay for much longer. 

Eventually, though, Dean looked at him. His eyes wide in both arousal and something like nerves if Cas should guess on his expression. 

“Yeah? You want me to – to fuck you. Like now?” 

“If that’s something you want I’m definitely up for it.” Cas said with a little grin. He got one in return and Cas felt his heart skip a beat.

What was this? Cas had stumbled home with someone he didn’t know. His heart had no business making such jumps in his chest. Instead of focusing on potentially risky thoughts Cas decided to just go for it and leaned in for a kiss. Their kisses grew heated and their touches purposeful. 

Cas didn’t really give Dean a chance to be in charge. Maybe he picked up on some nerves or maybe he was just a little desperate for it. He straddled Dean’s hips and once he was ready, slowly took him inside. Both of their groans sounded through the room and Dean’s grasp on his hips were so tight Cas was sure it would leave bruises. 

As he started to move he closed his eyes and gave himself over to the pleasure. It was surprisingly quiet in the room. Both their breaths going fast, a few cut off gasps and muffled moans. Cas had never experienced a passion like this. People he’d slept with before would normally express how good it felt by letting him know quite verbally. Dean seemed taken away with it, like he hadn’t been prepared for what he would feel. There was absolutely no doubt that Dean enjoyed himself. It showed in the way his hips moved along with Cas’. It was there in his rapid breathing and the way his mouth was open and his eyes blown wide. From time to time he let his hands run up and down Cas’ forearms in such a gentle gesture that Cas would lose his rhythm. 

When Dean came it looked as if it was ripped out of him. He didn’t say anything other than a quiet groan deep in his throat. Cas was already close and the pleasure painting across Dean’s face made him put a little extra into a few last thrusts and then he released too. 

Cas slumped forward pressing kisses to Dean’s sweaty chest and he hummed happily when Dean pulled him down to snuggle into his chest. Cas sighed. Guilt tried to make an appearance, but he knew deep down that this was the reason he hadn’t made things official with Mindy. This was what he really wanted and he shouldn’t keep denying himself what he wanted just because his sister insisted he’d make a family. There was all kinds of families out there. He could find a man to spend his life with if he wanted. 

Dean was already asleep next to him so Cas pulled the blanket up to his chest before letting himself drift into sleep too. He had a hangover, thankfully sex was a good way to distract himself from that. 

*** 

“Dean, you better not be sleeping your buzz - Oh!” 

Sam stood in the doorway looking every bit the younger brother. Dean clung to the blanket for dear life and prayed that Cas wouldn’t turn around. Sam didn’t have to know just who was in his bed. 

“God, Sammy. What are you doing here?”

“You know damn well what I’m doing here.” Sam tried to sound stern, but his voice had definitely lost the hard edge.

“Yeah, I know you don’t trust me, but you could have called, man!”

Sam rolled his eyes and seemed to have a hard time forcing his eyes away from the body next to Dean’s. Dean’s heart was beating like crazy. He didn’t know if Sam ever knew or suspected, but his little brother definitely hadn’t seen him with another man before. 

“I know that, but you said I should just come by if I had to.”

“Then don’t blame me if you see something you don’t like.” Dean glared. 

Dean knew Cas had been awake ever since his brother barged in there. Now he’s had enough apparently, so he turned around slowly glaring at the light. 

There was a muttered curse coming from the doorway and Dean would have laughed if he wasn’t so nervous about what his brother might say to all of this. 

“Hi, Sam.” Cas rasped. 

“Cas?” Sam did look a bit confused but eventually he raised his arms in defeat. 

“I’m going to go now.”

“Yeah, Sammy just get out of here. You should know better by now than to barge into other people’s bedrooms.” Dean rolled his eyes and watched his brother’s retreating back. He fell back on the pillow with a sigh. 

When he opened his eyes Cas was supporting his weight on his elbows, lying there just watching him. Dean gave a tentative smile and got one in return. 

“Well, that was awkward.”

“You have no idea.” Dean muttered. 

They headed into the bathroom, had separate showers and when Cas was done Dean had already made breakfast. 

“So your brother doesn’t know you’re gay?” Cas asked as he sat down with a plate of egg and bacon. 

“No, he doesn’t. Not that I am though.” Dean added. Cas raised an eyebrow doubtfully. 

“Fine, I might be, a little bit. Just not… I’m not… you know, I can to both?” He finished awkwardly. Cas chuckled and didn’t seem the least bit insulted or surprised.

“I know what you mean.” 

They finished their breakfast in relative silence and afterwards, Cas grabbed his stuff and left. In his life he couldn’t remember actually sharing breakfast with a one night stand. That was something he did with people he was seeing. It was nice though. Dean was a great guy and Cas just couldn’t stop wondering what the deal with Sam was. Why did he feel like had to show up at his brother early in the morning. 

Now, though he had things to do. And the most pressing matter would be talking to Mindy. This just wasn’t working and he at least owed it to her to tell her. 

 

Dean was restless. He marched back and forth through his living room and kitchen. He cleaned his bedroom and his bathroom and he felt itchy. His old self nagged at him, told him to just give in. Things would be better if he did. He could forget and he could get away from it all. 

Mad at himself and mad at his father Dean tied his shoes and started running. He went at a slow pace, mile after mile. His clothes dripping in sweat and his breathing labored. 

Why in the world had his brother barged in on them like that? He’d had to have seen the extra shoes somewhere in his living room, right? For once when Dean finally gave in to that part of himself, Sam had to be there exposing him! 

He’d never told him and that was all because of their father. John had known and he’d made it his mission to chase it out of Dean. Not that it helped, but it still had Dean living in denial and insecurities. So when he finally let himself be with someone. Someone really hot and really nice. Then Sam had to be there and Dean just knew he’d be forced to talk about it. 

When he got back to his place his mind was a little calmer and his feet beyond tired. He had a long shower, made himself something to eat and sat restlessly fiddling with his phone. Waiting for Sam to call him up. 

Sam didn’t call. Not that night and not the next day. Dean was about to blow up and eventually he broke. At the early morning light, Dean found himself sleeping on someone’s couch. His body felt like he’d been punched over and over, his head were heavy and his every move had his stomach roiling. 

He fell back with a sigh, but when he noticed movement in the next room he was up on his feet, grabbed his jacket and left as quietly as possible. 

Knowing how stupid he was acting he walked up to a familiar door with a heavy heart. He knocked and hoped she would let him in. The door opened and even if the woman was small she seemed to loom over him. 

“It’s been a while.” She noted. Dean nodded and bit the inside of his cheek. 

“Well, get in then.” Her usual impatience was familiar and Dean clung to it. He staggered across the room and slumped into his chair. 

For a long time nobody said a word. Dean got his roiling stomach under control and kept staring out the window. A large glass of cold water was passed into his hand so he drank it all. 

“Are you alright?” Her voice was so kind. Dean stared into the glass letting out a huff of breath. 

“I don’t know.” He said finally. 

“I was feeling great, you know. Just… better. Then I had to go and screw it all up. Then Sam comes by and I make it even worse. So instead of talking to him I… You know.” He made gestures with his hands and he saw Missouri nod in understanding. 

“And why hasn’t he called? He’s the one always insisting on talking, on getting it out there and clear his mind of things. Now, all of a sudden he doesn’t even text me!” Dean glared at nothing in particular. He hadn’t even known that bothered him until now. Or he had, but he hadn’t been able to form the thought of what exactly made him feel so uneasy. Missouri had that effect on him. 

“Maybe he’s giving you space, Dean.”

“Why would he give me space? He hasn’t bothered before.” 

Missouri just watched him patiently and Dean thought she was seriously underpaid. He did know why his brother was giving him space. For once he kind of wished he didn’t. If Sam had come to him asking to talk, then Dean would have talked. Now he had to be the one initiating the talking and somehow that made it so much worse. 

Heading back home Dean knew what he had to do. He definitely didn’t like it, but he wasn’t going to back out so it was probably time to call his brother.


	5. Back to your arms

Cas ran every morning like he always did. He had his breakfast and headed into work. He worked long hours and headed back home. Sometimes he continued his work at home, other times he read a book or stared out the window. He almost always had take out. 

His life never used to feel boring or unfulfilling. All of a sudden it did. Cas wasn’t sure what or who to blame. Himself, most likely. It started after he talked to Mindy. She didn’t take it so well and he hated himself when he watched her cry and ask what she did wrong. She hadn’t even been mad. Just so crushed that Cas still found himself with a lump in his throat thinking about what a bad guy he was. 

Sure, they hadn’t been a couple officially, but neither of them could deny that there had been something there. And then he’d gone off and slept with someone else. Cas had never been that kind of guy. 

Now that he was, though he felt so out of sorts. He would run faster, work longer and eventually he was just starting to become a shadow of what he used to be. Then one morning there was a letter in his inbox. 

*** 

Dean kept up his running. It felt like therapy to his body and to his mind. He had his brother to thank for that. 

His apartment felt more like home than it had in years, he finally managed to keep his laundry and his kitchen cleaned. He met with friends and he woke up in the mornings feeling like sleep had actually been good. 

Talking with Sam had been great. Dean should have known, but he had been a nervous wreck the day they actually met. 

Sam came into his place sitting down acting like his old self. Dean fidgeted and sweated. 

“Sam I… I’m not sure how, but I think maybe we should talk.” Dean began. 

His brother smiled, a little smirk because of his nerves and Dean focused on his annoyance instead of nerves. 

“Sure, yeah, we could talk.”

Dean rubbed his neck and spent ages trying to put together a whole sentence. He was doing this sober too, he couldn’t understand why at the moment, but there he was.

“Did you know?” He asked eventually. 

“About you and Cas? No.” Sam shook his head. 

“Then you knew about… you know… my uh - preferences?” Damn did he sound awkward.

Sam shrugged. “Not really. It was a surprise actually.” He said and flushed. Dean was glad he wasn’t the only one. 

“Yeah, well. I wasn’t supposed to. Remember Benny?”

“Benny? Oh, yeah, the guy you used to hang out with – Oh…”

“Yeah, oh… Dad walked in on us one night and that was that.” Dean looked away. 

They talked all night after that. Sam seemed to get it once he mentioned the episode with their father. John would admit to having a son who would sleep with other guys. Whenever Dean met their father, he always found a way to ask him if he was keeping a ‘straight’ line. 

After that things just kept getting better. Of course it wasn’t perfect. Dean had his set-backs. Times he would give in; have a drink which always led to more drinks. Difference now, was that every time, Sam was there. His brother didn’t get mad, he simply reminded him of his progress, got him out and running and Dean cleared his mind again. And every time there was a longer stretch between his set-backs.

 

A year had gone by since Dean started running when he suddenly got the idea. He’d been to the roadhouse, where he used to drink his weight in beers or whiskey. He’d met with Ellen, eaten a burger while drinking soda. That’s when he met a couple of his old buddies. Guys that still met up there every weekend, drinking until they had to stumble back home. Dean knew that if he didn’t have the brother he did, then he would still be there with them. 

So he decided he wanted to do something. Something to help others. He started looking around and when he came upon the familiar name he just had to put it out there. Dean hadn’t even talked to Sam about it, but that could wait. He wanted to have something to show for himself.

*** 

Cas wasn’t nervous. It had been months since he last saw the guy. So what if the last time had been at the breakfast table and they’d just slept together? He could be professional because this was his work after all. He knew how to do it and he knew it well. 

Hannah had asked why he decided to meet with this guy, because honestly Cas usually didn’t go out of his way to do that. Not that he’d gone out of his way about it, but Cas would for the most part only meet with people who he contacted himself or those assigned to him by his boss. 

The coffee was hot and Cas tapped a pen on his desk while he waited. He tried getting some work done, but he just felt all fidgety and suddenly energetic. He hadn’t felt like that since – Oh. He hadn’t felt like that since the last time he spent time with Dean Winchester. 

When there was a knock on his door he asked the person to enter and Hannah came through the door with Dean in tow. She smiled and told Dean to sit down, asking if he needed anything. Cas assured her that he would get him his coffee and led her to the door. 

“Mr. Novak.”

“Please, call me Cas. You know you used to.” He added with a little smile. Dean chuckled and Cas had to control his smile so he didn’t look like a crazy person, smiling too wide. 

After settling into their chairs, getting the small talk out of the way Dean pulled a folder out of his back pack. 

“I know I didn’t explain everything in the e-mail, but I wanted to be able to talk to you, face to face.” His voice was soft and he looked a little vulnerable. 

Cas nodded carefully. 

“Talk to me about what?”

“You know I asked you for a chance to look into the work you do. Arranging races, getting the info out there and make people sign up for the events.”

He rubbed the back of his neck and Cas couldn’t help but find it quite charming. He also went a little bit soft seeing Dean a little nervous like this. It made him want to help him even more. 

“I’ve… uh… recently gotten out of bad habits. Um… I had a bit of a drinking problem.” He admitted and Cas struggled not to show his surprise. He had known something was going on with Dean the first time they met, and later the way Sam had been both so saddened by something involving Dean and protective at the same time. Cas just never knew what it was and he certainly never thought it would be something like alcohol abuse. 

“My brother helped me quite a bit, by being a pain in the ass and dragging me out running at all hours. I hated it of course, but well… I started running those races with him and got a bit addicted. To the running I mean. What I’m trying to say is that I want to help others with the same thing. And you’re the only person I know about working with this stuff so I thought maybe you could give me some advice or…” He trailed off like he hadn’t meant to talk that much. His eyes were wide and green and beautiful. No! Cas wasn’t thinking that. 

Instead he tried to collect his thoughts, gathering what Dean was actually asking of him and cleared his voice. 

“Do you want to start arranging your own races?”

“Um… No, I kind of thought to try and raise some awareness to running and what it could do for us. It’s better if I could… I mean, I want to try and make people fight for something else. Setting a goal where they want to participate in a race could help them, have them focusing on something other than, whatever it is they are trying to forget.” Dean took a deep breath. 

*** 

Dean hadn’t had very high hopes for his meeting with Cas. He just had to give it a try anyway, and hopefully get hold of something to keep working at. Maybe a name of someone who might know something or a place to go. 

A short month later, Dean was a regular visitor to Cas’ office, vacating the chair by his desk. They were talking easily, about work and other stuff too. They had lunches together and they were laughing. Most importantly, Dean was trying to get together a group of people struggling, who wanted something better out of their lives. 

The next few months he had set up meetings with the group. He would be running with them. Get them out into fresh air, to feel their heart beating and smell the city around them. Perhaps it was a bit of a romantic notion. Sam had managed to pull Dean out of his self-destructive habits, and Dean desperately wanted a chance to do the same for other. He also was aware that not everyone would love running, but he hoped. He hoped very hard that some of them might, and that the rest felt like they might see some worth to it anyway. 

 

Dean had dinner with Sam in an Italian restaurant. Dean was spinning his glass of water tapping his fingers nervously. 

“Okay, Dean, what’s going on?”

“What?”

Sam rolled his eyes. 

“I know you’re nervous about telling me something, so just… get it over with.” He said almost like a sigh. 

Dean took a deep breath but he’d called his brother there to have a chance to tell him, so he did. Sam stared at him with suspiciously glossy eyes when he finished talking. 

“You’re telling me that you’re made a group to help others with the same struggles as you?”

Dean nodded, pursing his lips.

“That’s really great, Dean.” 

He huffed a laugh rubbing his neck uneasily.

“I didn’t do it alone, though. Cas is helping me.” He said.

“Cas? I didn’t know you guys stayed in touch.” Sam looked a little flushed, like he couldn’t help but think about what he’d walked in on. 

“We didn’t. I contacted him when I thought of this thing and he agreed to help me out, since this is kind of what he does.”

Sam asked a lot of questions about this. He wanted to know what Dean wanted to do, how he did it and if he had met up with his group yet. They talked over their pastas, then they had dessert and talked some more. Eventually they got up and headed outside on the street. 

“So are you sleeping with him too?” Sam asked. 

“What? Sam!” Dean shook his head. “Of course not.”

“Of course.” Sam said a little bit too easy. 

Dean shrugged and tried to let it go. He wasn’t going to tell his brother that he watched Cas work. The way his hair was ruffled, or how pretty he was with a bright grin and crinkles around his eyes. His mouth looked inviting, especially when he kept biting his lip while working hard on something. 

*** 

Cas was pacing back and forth in his office. Dean had his first meeting with his group that day. He hadn’t been into the office or called or texted all day. Cas had worked extra late to make sure he was there when Dean came by. Only he didn’t. Cas didn’t know whether he should be afraid something happened or just annoyed that Dean didn’t feel like letting him know how it went. 

Cas knew that Dean didn’t owe him an explanation. He just wanted to know how things went. Dean had invested a lot in this and Cas was proud of him. After a few days Dean had gotten the hang of how he worked, like it fell natural to him. Dean was good at the talking part, he made friends with the entire office easy as that and he knew things about Cas’ co-workers that he hadn’t known even after working with them for years. 

Eventually he just had to close up and leave. He headed out into the parking lot, and that’s where he spotted Dean’s car. He walked over and saw Dean sleeping in the front seat. Cas knocked on the window. 

“Dean? Are you alright?”

Dean sat up slowly and opened the door. 

“Are you alright?” Cas asked again. 

Dean let out a quiet humorless laugh. “Oh, I’m just… perfect.” 

“What’s going on?”

“It all went straight to hell.”

“I’m sure it just feels like that.” Cas tried. Dean did look like he had a rough day, though.

Cas asked him why he hadn’t come inside. Dean shrugged. 

“Couldn’t decide if I wanted to go home, or to the pub. Ended up here and yeah, not much further.” 

“Come on, let’s head out for some food. You will feel better afterwards and then we can talk.”

“Burgers?”

Cas grinned. Thankfully he knew the place with the best burger around. 

 

Since they started working together Cas considered Dean as his friend. Sure, he found him really attractive and sometimes the night they spent together was all he could think about. What he was sure of though, was that he wanted Dean in his life. And since Dean seemed to be fine staying friends, then that’s what Cas would take. 

Cas gave directions as they drove and when he pointed out the place, Dean started laughing. 

“Seriously? This is the place where you think they have the best burgers?”

“I promise, Dean. It might not look like much from the outside, but you’ll see once we get inside. The place is homely and sweet, and the people working here is just incredible. I even think the owner had a degree in psychology or something.”

Cas tried to convince him. He had stumbled upon the place by accident, but to this day he hadn’t ever found a place that matched, in food or in friendliness. If it looked a little worn, then so be it.

Dean chuckled under his breath and Cas wasn’t sure what it was about. He meant to ask, but the stopped and headed for the door. He made sure to watch Dean as they entered. His eyes swept the place until they landed on the owner. She stood by some tables chatting away with her customers. When a little bell above the door chimed she looked up and her eyes softened. Cas breathed out a sigh of relief. She was always so nice. 

*** 

Dean couldn’t believe his luck. His shitty day was getting a little bit better, because what was the chance that he and Cas hadn't run into each other there before? He smiled and walked towards Ellen. 

“Dean. It’s been a while. And Cas?” She glanced between them with observant eyes and Dean felt a little tickle of nerves. The old fear that she might think they were on a date. She just smiled and showed them to a table. 

“So that’s why you were laughing. You know this place?” Cas asked. 

“Man, I practically grew up here.” Dean told him and Cas shook his head. 

“My dad and Ellen’s husband used to work together. Plus, once you’re in Ellen’s circle she doesn’t get off your back about visiting, regularly.” Dean added. Cas smiled. 

It looked as if he wanted to say something more, but Ellen came over with coke for them both. Her eyes told him not to argue and he knew that she wouldn’t serve him beer. Not after he finally managed to get his legs underneath him. 

“The usual, guys?” She prompted. Both of them nodded and she headed for the kitchen. 

The burgers arrived and they ate in silence. Eventually though Dean couldn’t hold it in anymore. 

“I screwed up, Cas.”

Cas didn’t answer. Just watched him in that quiet way of his and Dean pushed forward. 

“We were just walking today, but every single one of them had something to complain about. Either their shoes didn’t feel right, it was too hot or they needed to drink. I swear, it was like working in a kindergarten. And they all hate me.”

Cas huffed. 

“And not only that. They acted as if I had forced them into this. They signed up of their own free will, and then they take it out on me.” Dean shook his head. He was tired and sore from today. He had really wished things would turn out a little better. And he didn’t want to fail at this. He had been on the verge of just screwing it all and drink himself into oblivion, and he wasn’t sure if he could take it if things just didn’t work out. 

Cas didn’t say anything for a long time. 

“Let me ask you something. What did you tell Sam when he got you to run, the first few times?”

Dean sighed. He knew where this was going. 

“Well, I swore. A lot. I called him names and I probably yelled at him too. It definitely wasn’t nice.” Dean told him with a flush of shame staining his cheeks.

Cas just held a steady gaze. 

“I haven’t experienced anything like that, Dean. But I have heard it can be tough. It doesn’t matter how hard you want to change. When something comes along to offer that change it is still a long way until the change feels right.”

“I know.” Dean sighed. He still had a hard time dealing. 

“Just don’t give up, Dean. What you’re doing is very important and very impressive.” Cas told him so matter of fact that Dean felt his heart swell and speed up. Looking into those blue eyes never failed to ground him. Dean just wished he’d one day would get the courage to tell him.


	6. I wouldn't hurt you, like the world did me

“Are you going to be okay?” Cas asked. 

Dean gave a smile. He knew what he was really asking. Now that they were headed home to their separate places. Cas wouldn’t ask outright, but he still wanted to know if Dean would be fine on his own. 

“I’ll be fine. Thanks, man.” He added. Dean wanted to be able to show Cas how great it was, having someone to talk to, but it wasn’t in his nature to just tell him. Dean drove Cas back to the parking lot outside their work, slapped his shoulder in a friendly manner and told him good night. 

Earlier Dean had almost been unable to get the thought of booze out of his head. It was just instinct. Instead he’d talked to Cas. Ranting about his shitty day, getting some perspective and most importantly, being able to recognize it wasn’t the end of the world. 

Fine, it was a little dramatic, but Dean had really hoped what he’d worked so hard for would pay off. That the people in his group would like it. Cas had made him think back on his own start. And it most definitely had been a bumpy ride up until now. Breaking a habit was hard. Really hard. Especially when you had to start working for it. 

Dean was willing to bet that every single one in his group was drinking at this moment. He should talk to Sam about this. Ask him how he did it. 

At least Cas had convinced him to keep going. And he would, most of all because he really wanted to. He knew things didn’t change over night. Going into this, he knew he would meet a lot of resistance. Now was the time he stood in front looking like the strong one. 

Being strong while feeling like he was still standing on shaking legs was tough. He knew could do it. He wanted to and now that he had started it, he felt like he owed it to himself, to Sam and Cas who had helped him and to the group who had volunteered. 

*** 

Cas felt the weeks fly by. His energy was back and so was his good mood. He felt better about himself and his days were filled with more than just an endless pile of work. He went out with Hannah, visited Anna and spent hours talking with Dean. 

They regularly went out for lunches together. Sitting by a small table watching people and talking about everything on their mind was easy. Almost everything with Dean was easy. 

As the weeks progressed Dean grew more confident in his new role. He invested a lot in his work and in the people he were helping too. He would gladly stay late in order to be there for one of them it they needed it. Cas liked that. Dean had a purpose and it suited him. 

In between lunches, phone calls in the office and scheduling the following year’s races, Cas found himself thinking about Dean. The guy had turned out to be a solid constant in his life. He was warm and happy, but often with a sharp edge to his humor. It was probably due to his past. Cas didn’t know everything about it, but Dean’s green eyes softened at the mentioning of his mother while his entire stance turned rigid and tight whenever his father was mentioned. 

Slowly they started spending the evenings together. They had dinner at different restaurants, there was bowling and one time they even walked around town, looking up into the sky where several air balloons would be passing. It was incredible and Cas wished he knew if it meant something. 

*** 

Dean finally felt like he had his feet underneath him. He still worked a bit in the garage, but most of his time was spent with his group. Two had left them, said they didn’t handle it. Dean had tried, but he knew when there was a lost battle. Instead he focused even more on those left. 

None of them was used to running, hadn’t been straining themselves since high school, but eventually they learned to appreciate it. Dean would take that. Because not everyone would love running, he knew that going in. That wasn’t even the point of this. He were helping them out of bad habits and hopefully they would value what he was trying to give them. 

As the first race got closer his group got nervous and Dean and Cas grew closer. Most nights they would meet somewhere. Eat good food, look at new stuff and it felt great. Neither talked about what this could potentially be. It certainly looked like they were dating, but in that case, things were progressing really slowly. That was okay, though. At least it was until Sam called him one night. 

“Dean?” He said loudly into the phone. 

“Yeah, Sammy. Don’t need to yell at me.” Dean said dryly. 

“It’s just so loud in here.” 

Dean rolled his eyes. His brother just didn’t do cool. By the sound it he was out somewhere, and yet he managed to bring down the cool by complaining about the music and yelling into his phone. 

“Do you need me to pick you up or something?”

“No, no. I’m good. Me and Jess is just having one of those date nights, you know.”

“Sure.”

Why are you calling me, then? Dean wanted to ask. Instead he just waited for Sam to continue. Getting a drunk call from his brother definitely wasn’t something that happened often, so he guessed there was something he wanted to get off his chest. 

“You get I don’t care that you’re gay, right?” Sam slurred. 

Oh my god. Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to hang up or just laugh. 

“Yeah, Sam I know.”

“Good, good.”

“So you just needed to make sure right this moment?” Dean huffed.

“I have a reason for calling, Dean. Oh, yeah there he is. I recognized a guy. Big, tall, handsome.”

Dean was about to ask if he was so lame that he was referring to himself. 

“And I thought I should let you know. I’m pretty sure it’s Benny.”

And Dean definitely should have just hung up when he had a chance. Sure he hadn’t seen the guy in years. Twenty years actually. But he still was Dean’s first crush and he was suddenly dying to know what he looked like now. This would turn confusing really fast.

 

Dean dressed in a nice pair of jeans and a green button down that made his eyes shine. As he drove to the club Sam talked about he felt somewhere between nervous and nauseous. An unbidden image of Cas popped into his head making his stomach turn unpleasantly. Dean still decided to go through with it. 

When he got there it was already late. He headed inside and looked around for a bit. Sam found him first, giving him a curious look. He was probably anxious of whether Dean would handle being there, surrounded by temptation. Well, Dean wouldn’t stay too long he hoped. 

Sam pointed in the general direction of where he’d seen him last, and Dean stopped when he saw him. Benny definitely had grown up. He was buff and tall, all kinds of man. He had a beard now, making him look so, so manly. His eyes sparked of mischief, just like Dean remembered, and even if he didn’t get that feeling in his gut, the need and the excitement that he felt sometimes around Cas, he definitely felt something. 

Making his way over to Benny Dean wondered if the guy would even remember him. There was no reason for him to be nervous. Benny remembered him and he was just drunk enough to be really vocal about it. 

Benny had his hands on Dean’s shoulders, supporting his weight. He looked into his eyes, telling him how good he looked. It wasn’t long after that Benny said good bye to his friends and they headed out of there. 

Walking to his car, Dean felt tension grow between them. A tension very much familiar to Dean. Benny let his fingers brush his arm before reaching the car. Dean’s head snapped up to stare at Benny and before he knew it he was pressed against the side of his car. A solid, grounding weight covered him and Dean could feel his body response immediately. Benny was just so… big. 

Looking up into those smiling eyes Dean couldn’t help but tug lightly at the hairs on his neck. Benny chuckled as he leaned in and pressed a surprisingly soft kiss to his lips. 

“Is this okay? God, tell me this is okay.” Benny hummed. 

Dean gasped and let his head fall back only to feel a hot mouth and a scratching beard attack his neck. Benny’s hands was firm and comforting, one on his hips, the other on the car. Their lips met again, hot and wet and dirty. 

Light from a passing car flickered over them and Dean groaned. 

“Car. We should get into the car.” Dean said, a little out of breath. 

 

*** 

Cas wasn’t sure what it was, but something was different. Dean wasn’t looking at him as much, and when he did, he looked stressed and a little sad. Cas wanted to ask, but every time he got closer to asking Dean would cleverly start talking about something to distract him. 

The worst part was that Dean cancelled on their plans. He had other plans. Cas could live with that. They both had other friends and family to visit. He just couldn’t let go of the feeling that this was different. 

He decided not to dwell on it. He could visit his sister, or maybe catch up on some reading. Even if Cas had gotten so used to filling his days together with Dean, didn’t mean he couldn’t be by himself. 

Only, it turned out, that’s exactly what it meant. Cas wanted to shake himself. It seemed he was only able to sit quietly for a short amount of time. He wanted to do something, and he wanted to know what Dean did. Cas pushed that thought away, he sounded like a jealous, needy girlfriend. Which he was not! They weren’t even dating. Maybe things had progressed in that direction, only really, really slow, but Cas should be able to focus on his own stuff for a while. 

 

Dean didn’t work every day of the week. This job where he arranged his group, pushing them towards a race was mostly voluntarily and payed very little. He still had his old job at the garage so that meant to Cas that he was alone in his office three out of five days a week. Even then, Dean usually was there for a couple of hours at most. 

The shared coffees, lunches and talks was easy getting used to. Now on Dean’s days in the garage, Cas found that he threw himself into the job and got done an amazing amount. That meant he didn’t lag if he got distracted while Dean was there, which happened embarrassingly often. 

In the week after Dean had aced strange, things felt tense between them. Dean was working harder and he didn’t have time to go out as much. Cas really tried not to feel left out. Because that wasn’t it. Dean didn’t owe him an explanation. Cas knew very well how things could be when deadlines started to pile up. So he wasn’t going to obsess over this. He would be in his office, offer Dean coffee when he showed up in the mornings and talk like they used to do. 

*** 

Dean wasn’t sure why he felt bad. It wasn’t like he really had a reason to. He just found that looking Cas in the eye, proved difficult. 

Guilt, that’s what if felt like. Dean recognized it, but he had absolutely no idea what to do about it. So instead he tried to spend as little time in the office as possible, making an effort to figure out how to deal with the confusing stuff. 

Benny had been passionate and straight forward. The moment they got into the car, they were all over each other. Needy kisses and searching hands. Dean wasn’t even sure why he felt like this, but he went with it. This was Benny, and there was definitely something unresolved between them. 

Benny had gotten his lips on him, sucking his cock with a thrilling kind of blend between desperation and need. 

After, when Dean drove him back to his hotel Benny told him that he actually was in a relationship with this guy. They even lived together. 

“Why would you do this, then?”

Benny sighed. “For old times sake? I don’t know. I’m drunk, you’re really hot and I never got to know how this could feel like while we fooled around before.” 

Dean felt a little bit used, but at the same time pleased that Benny had wondered too. 

Eventually thought, he realized that whatever he’d had with Benny then, and now, it had only been about lust and passion. Never love. He was certain things wouldn’t have worked out if they had gotten the chance to be a couple. 

Instead of dwelling on this too much, Dean decided to move on with his life. He now knew that this thing with Benny had been just that, a little thing. He still felt a little bad about it thinking of Cas, but in reality they weren’t together but suddenly Dean found that he wanted to. Exploring if that might be a possibility. It probably wasn’t. Dean was a drunk while Cas was a man with a serious career, not exactly the kind of match one would think possible. At least he got the chance to spend his time with Cas, so he would enjoy it as long as it lasted.

 

*** 

As sudden as Dean had acted strange, he was back to his old self. Cas decided to let it lie, especially now that he had ‘his’ Dean back. 

The smiling, and teasing, annoying guy that Cas always looked forward to spending time with. And they did again. Nights of exploring new places, watching new movies or making food. Those were new things to them. Dean invited him over to his place and they share a meal. Cas tidied his place and made an effort to do the same. 

Dean also started touching him at every opportunity. A hand on his arm while they talked, a slap on his shoulder with a lingering hand and Cas would catch him checking him out and it always made him blush. Cas reveled in this though. Having Dean’s attention on him like this felt like flying. He laughed easier, walked with a bounce in his steps and felt lighter in his entire being. 

One night as they sat on the steps outside Dean’s place drinking coffee Dean leaned back on his elbows. He glanced up into the sky, the dark canvas lit up by millions of gleaming stars. 

“I don’t know if Sam told you, but we lost our mother when he was just six months old.” He began. 

Cas’ heart slammed in his chest with significance and hurt. The fact the Dean offered up an important part of his past meant something. Dean never talked about himself like this, to anyone. While Dean told him about his childhood in a quiet but steady voice Cas started to get a picture of this man, one he hadn’t been prepared for. On some level he had known there had to be a reason behind his struggles. Watching his childhood home burn to the ground, with your mother still inside was enough to make anyone lose their ways. When the one person supposed to be strong, their father, had broken down too, it was no wonder Dean had taken years to work his way back on his feet. 

When Dean turned to look at him as he finished talking his eyes were raw with emotion and vulnerability. Cas wanted nothing more than to know the exact right words to say. Instead he leaned in and brushed a kiss of support against Dean’s lips. It proved to be the exact right thing to do. They didn’t stop kissing for a long long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is almost the end. One more chapter to go, just to wrap it up. Thank you for reading, leaving kudos and comments :)


	7. All your smiles I'm always gonna save them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue!

Dean looked out the window. His desk was strewn with paper, pen, clips and a bunch of t-shirts. He chuckled and picked them up to stuff them in a bag. Dean caught sight of his hands, clean hands. He hadn’t been to the garage in months. 

Around him there were several people working at their desks and even after six months Dean still hadn’t gotten over the novelty of having his own desk at this magazine. 

After the first couple of races in which he had run alongside his group, encouraging them to cross the finish line he was suddenly attacked by a fierce red headed woman. She demanded an interview and was already snapping photos of Dean and scribbling in her notebook. 

Once the interview made it to the pages of the magazine Dean suddenly found himself with a constantly buzzing phone and an endless stream of e-mails. He’d hit a cord it seemed. People wanted to be a part of what he did. He had three full groups in a matter of weeks. People who dreamed of getting out of the house, but struggled for some reason. 

Dean wasn’t exactly equipped to deal with it alone. He had no idea how to help someone with depression, or with anxiety. People struggling with a drinking problem, he had some intel on, other than that he kind of kept recommending Missouri. 

Getting an exasperated phone call from the woman herself had him chuckling and he felt he had gotten one over her. Secretly he knew he was doing her a favor. She got more work and better pay. 

So did Dean. His pay had sky rocketed and he was just starting to think about finding a better place to live. 

He’d made Cas come with him to look at a couple of places. Nothing too fancy, but anything would be improvement from his last place. It was just too small. One of the places was a ground level apartment with everything he might need. But it was so close to the local high school that Dean could smell the sweat and anxiety. Another one was on the second floor, with an Indian restaurant below. It could work, but Dean never really liked Indian so he decided to put it on his maybe list. 

The woman showing him around was really eager to sell something to him, so when he frowned at almost each one she eventually had sweat on her lip. Cas chuckled and asked if they could go back to the Indian place, at least he might not starve there. 

“I have one more place Dean. I just… I want to ask you to take a look before you turn it down, okay?”

When she stopped in front of a little house of two floors and an actual gate with flowers blooming just inside Dean raised a curious brow. Clearly this place couldn’t be big enough to house a tenant. 

They walked around, the sales woman quietly unlocking the door to let them in. The place was empty. It dawned on Dean what she was trying to do. He told himself not to say something when Cas nudged his shoulder so they looked around.

It was really beautiful. It was light and cozy, with a little garden in the back and Dean who had never really seen himself in anything other than a city apartment was a little charmed. The place was too much though. He couldn’t afford it and so he politely thanked the woman and said he’d call her once he had made up his mind. 

Dean and Cas went back to his place. Dean cooked dinner while listening to Cas going on about work, a little bit about the places they’d seen, and food. Dean was happy about their progress. Things had been a little bumpy to begin with. 

Dean had spent a few weeks battling his guilt before he told Cas about Benny. It hadn’t meant anything, and it was just a blowjob in the car, but still. He felt like he should tell him. 

Cas had said he needed some time after that. They spent a few weeks apart and Dean who already had a hard time after going around with the nagging, found himself in even worse shape. Not knowing if Cas would decide if he wanted to take things further had been very difficult to deal with. Eventually the pressure lead him to a liquor store. He knew he shouldn’t, but he just needed something to help him forget. 

The pressure of his job and the hard time with Cas was just too much. He’d had a tough couple of months. Sam was there every step of the way, reminding him how far he’d come. His unrelenting patience was helping Dean as he tried to keep it together. 

Cas had come to him and said they should put it all behind them and Dean wanted to move past it. Now that he was on a kind of downward spiral, though, he felt like he didn’t deserve Cas’ easy forgiving smile. 

Eventually Cas helped him delegate some of his work load and they started a tentative relationship, Dean slowly but surely crawled back out of his bottles. He was forever grateful to his brother and to Cas who had both kept him running through it all.

 

When they sat down in the living room a while later Dean turned to Cas. 

“Hey, Cas. I… um… Okay. I wanted to ask if you would like to move in with me.” Dean said fast and forced himself to hold eye contact and breathe. He hadn’t realized how nervous he was about this. 

Cas stared at him for a long time. A flush staining his cheeks. 

“You want that? Do you want to because of the house?”

Dean ignored the stab of disappointment and hurt. 

“No. I was leaning more towards the one above the Indian place, but…” He didn’t want to push it. 

“Really?”

Dean shrugged. “Yeah. It’s close to work, and it was nice. If I keep the door into the living room closed at all times I bet I won’t even smell the curry.”

“Dean. I would like to move in with you, but I would also like for you to consider the house?” He said in a hopeful tone. Dean’s heart skipped a beat. Was Cas really saying this? Was it that simple?

 

It turned out it was. After spending four months on getting the house ready Dean and Cas could finally look at the cozy little house and call it their home. Sam and Jess came over with the kids and Dean was so grateful that he finally had a chance to invite them into his home. A nice place, a real home, where he could see himself living for years to come. 

Jess smiled brightly and handed over a big bouquet of flowers. Cas put them in a vase displaying them on a table. 

“I’m very proud of you, Dean.” Sam told him and Dean blushed, wanting to turn away and ignore it. He still wasn’t sure he deserved it. He might have come a long way, but he still had a lot to make up for. 

Lying in bed that night, limbs tangled and hairlines sweaty Cas kissed his neck. 

“I’m proud of you too, Dean.” He whispered. Dean shook his head a little. 

“I don’t know why. It’s pretty much thanks to you, you know.” He answered. Cas smiled one of those good ones, where his lips tugged just a little upwards, but his entire face lit up. Dean hadn’t told him yet, but he was pretty sure he loved the man. He would tell him soon, he was working on his courage, and he believed he could do it. Soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a wave of inspiration, worked fast and finished things up really fast. So here is the last part and I hope you like it. 
> 
> Thanks again, nice people.   
> This is it for now. 
> 
> xx - until next time

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you found something you liked. Let me know what you think. Kudos or a few words is always appreciated :)
> 
> xx - M


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